BIPOLAR OHIOAN RANTS AT UNIVERSE

Dear Universe,
How about tossing me a couple of GOOD days, huh? Now, I know you're busy. You've got all sorts of planets to align, and sun's to explode, and shit like that. But can't you take a few seconds to throw me a bone, dude? Rick Springfield gets a come back tour & a New York Times best seller, and I get a week full of infinite depression, missed moments with family, and a terrible urge to drink myself stupid. You see something wrong with that, Mr. or Mrs. Universe? What? Oh, Rick Springfield's book is about depression? Cool. Good for Jessie's Girl. What, you don't give out more than one good day for depressed people? What kind if crap is that? I saw Springfield on Dr. Oz today, and he looked pretty primed to go. No depression there. Oh, he seemed pretty much over it, and willing to advocate, BUT wouldn't admit to having an actual diagnosis? What a phony! Making money off of things he's too afraid... YES, I was watching Dr. Oz! Is that somehow offensive to you? My point is, Rick has had enough. I would like to borrow a few good days so I can turn some stuff in my life around. That's all. Geeze! Don't give ME guff about watching a show YOU let happen! You know what, Universe? You give me some good days (and I mean GOOD days), or I'll tell Buddha what you said about Krishna, and when that gets back to Zeus, Jesus will kick your ass! That's right! Jesus.... and his cousins, Eduardo, Cheech, and Machete. What about that Universe fancy pants?

Jokes aside, I'd really appreciate a break.
-joel

DO NOT CALL YOURSELF NAMES... JERK

Bipolar disorder, along with any other illness, has a dumpster filled with jokes about the condition. It's good to laugh at ourselves sometimes. That is why we, along with the gloominess, share funny stories & pictures on our web sites and Facebook pages. BUT more people need to realize where the line between comical and offensive is.

These photos were found on a bipolar support page. I have no doubt there was no intent to offend, but I find them insulting and ignorant. "I don't need drugs, I'm bipolar." Right. Because all of us dig riding invisible bikes in our underpants. Yes. And like Bugs Bunny says, we're all Crazy, wacko, insane, lunatics. I don't know any bipolar person who thinks it's funny to be called any of those things.

I don't know. It confuses me when a bipolar support group starts posting jokes that point out the stigmas we're all trying so hard to defeat.

DEPRESSION: PASSION THIEF

I have been staring at this screen for an hour. This is the second sentence I've written. Three, if you count this one. How can there be so little on the page if I've got so much on my mind? Well, the short answer is, I have let my depression get the best of me. The long answer involves multiple diagnosis, wild mood swings, panic attacks, extreme mania, conversations with therapists, cognitive behavioral therapy, lots of drugs, side effects, and all sorts of other stuff that would make you either fall asleep or call the authorities. So... I have let my depression get the best of me.

I love to write. Depression doesn't care. It makes me feel better to create. Depression doesn't care. Depression... is an asshole. What happens is this: All of your passions get pushed aside, because depression has made you think they are not worthy of your time (or you're not worthy of theirs). Sometimes you wonder "Why bother", but most of the time it's more complicated than that. When it's hard to get out of bed for long enough to use the restroom, the last thing you want to do is get up and be passionate about something. Sometimes your self-esteem gets shot in the face, so you sit around thinking you're a horrible, talentless, worthless person. No one wants to hear what you have to say, and why would they? And sometimes you're just scared; afraid of the smallest amount of success. Because you don't feel like you deserve it.

Now, even if you realize these things are not true, Depression doesn't care. It is extremely difficult to fight off this negative way of thinking. In fact, I'm not even sure that's possible. The only way to fight it is to create just to spite it.

Depression takes away a lot. Everything and everyone gets lost in the shuffle at some point. There isn't anything in this world that depressed people hate more than depression. So why not get pissed at it? Go ahead! Tell it to go eat a fish smoothie! Tie it down! Make it listen to Kid Rock! Tell it where to go and what to do while it's there, because if you don't, it will continue to ruin your life.

I stared at this page for an hour before writing this. I'm not sure how long it took to write, but that's not important. What IS important is that I was able to stare for long enough to write.

MEDICATION RANT

Drugs. Fuckin drugs. Since my bipolar diagnosis, I have been on and off so many drugs, it's hard to believe I can still function. One goddamn pill after another. All of them prescribed by doctors claiming to be personal advocates... Handing out smiles and advice like psychiatric politicians. These drugs are supposed to help stabilize my mood, lessen my anxiety, help me rest more effectively, stimulate my appetite, and curb depression based panic attacks. Some have helped, and some have not, but they've all had two things in common: their potential for addiction, and their contribution to potential bankruptcy.

In the past four years, my family and I have spent thousands of dollars on prescription meds. We have also spent hundreds of days dealing with various withdrawals. If you're told a med is non-addictive, call bullshit. Because getting off of something like Prozac can be an absolutely terrifying experience.

I just din't get it. My prescription drugs have legitimate street value. Why? Because people will pay a lot to get fucked up. I suppose I could make back the money I spend on one bottle of Xanax by selling four or five pills, but I'm not a fucking drug dealer... I'm a patient!

Ahh, crap! I lost my train of thought. Wanna know why? BECAUSE I'M ON A LOT OF DRUGS! God damn it! Why can't it be just one? Why can't it be one that works, and doesn't cause addiction or withdrawal? Why can't there be just one that stabilizes moods, stimulates appetites, lessens anxiety, curbs panic attacks, helps with insomnia, and provides a sense of mental stability? Oh, wait. There IS a drug like that! Sorry. You can't take it, though. It isn't legal. The government is afraid of the munchies.

POSITIVE DAMN THINKING

Embrace the truth of yourself
In visions of hearts, and hand
Out small pieces
Of the dreams you have left

Behind you are the faults
You've tried so hard to hide
Those Shadow shapes
long
Gone in the rear view

What you see before you
Is a canvas of faith
To be painted with
Places only seen in your dreams
But not like the one about
Kicking cats in the face.

BIPOLAR to BIPOLAR: Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?

Time moves so slowly some nights. You've got part of what you want, but that part's not quite good enough. Not on evenings like this... when a minute seems like six. And you'd think, with all this extra time, you would wanna savor some of it. You might want to use some of it for fighting the demons that stand in your way... on a day in which you're smiling and enjoying your life. What do you do when five minutes feel fake, and take you by the hair on the back of your neck... twisting your mind in ways that make circles fit squares? How much of this makes sense?

None of it makes sense, you crazy douche! You're having a bad night, man. Don't crawl up in a ball like a turtle afraid of the dark. You're only alone in your mind. Your mind is the one that puts up the walls. Your life... your life is surrounded with people you love. And some of them might even love you back... if you can stop being a dip shit for long enough. Damn!

Stop being so REASONABLE, man!  I'm trying to be poetic.  When I'm feeling like a sad clown, I must articulate my feelings in an artistic way.  I must be profound.  Otherwise people might not take my discomforts seriously.  I am an advocate... nay! A SPOKESMAN for the people inside of my circle!  I cannot let them down by being... "reasonable".  I need to take a chance... touch a nerve.  If I don't pack what I write with as much depressing evil shit as I can... they might not think I'm on their side.  And that's important because it's all about THEM. If I'm not careful, I'll be more of a self-help writer than a fellow mentally ill person.  

Well, what's wrong with that?  It's not about them, it's about YOU.  Why not be your own favorite self-help author?  Nobody else matters but you.  If you don't think YOU are important, how can you expect anyone else to feel you're important?  Write your OWN way to feeling better.

Yeah! To hell with Wayne Dyer!  To hell with Neale Donald Walsch!  The Dali Lama?  What does HE know?  

Well, now you're just being manic.  Slow down.  I didn't say you shouldn't READ.  I didn't say you should stop trying to EDUCATE yourself.  Again... how can you educate others if you're not educated enough to teach them anything? 

Okay.  Okay.  You're right.  That makes sense.  So... 

I'm right.  That's it.  "So" nothing.  Read. Learn. Write. Educate.  YA GOT THAT?!

Wow, dude!  Yeah... you had me at "crazy douche".  No need to yell.  I'm fragile... and poetic.

Ugh!  I'm never allowed to have the last word.

NIGHT TERROR

It's very late. Some might even call it early. 2:47 a.m. I've always said I loved the night, but this... this is the morning. I keep telling myself and everyone around me that I want to get better; that I'm moving forward, and getting ready to set things right. But how can that really be true when I allow myself to stay up all night? I'm not functioning like the rest of the world... how can I expect to be a part of it? I think I might need some help here.

MENTAL ILLNESS AND PINK FLOYD: THE UNKNOWN MEDICATION

It is rare to be asked what depression feels like... or how it feels to be uncontrollably manic.  Phrases like "snap out of it", "why are you acting so crazy", and "Maybe this pill will help", come to mean very different things.  It is rare to get asked how it feels to be overwhelmed by anxiety for weeks at a time, or what goes through  a mind when a panic attack hits me while driving 75 on the highway.  People say, "just relax, take a deep breath", or to "go with the flow".  But does anyone really want to know how it feels for a person to be obsessed with keeping their hands clean, or how terrifying it is to meet new people or to be in a room full of strangers?  I think a lot of work can be done to improve these stigmas.  However...

Many times it does not seem like people want to understand.  They demand, we disappoint.  They roll their eyes, we isolate.  And while it may be true to a certain degree that people's hearts are in the right place (and some are, don't get me wrong), how can a person help without also having the desire to learn?  It's rare to see books in their hands, or magazines opened to pages concerning social anxiety or - insert condescending label here - . Some are told many times to read said articles or books them self, but that desire to learn doesn't seem to extend to many people without mental concerns of their own (as if anybody is prone to being fucking crazy).  Most people are in the dark, but since they're not the one's who spend most of their time alone in a room, someone else is expected to spend more time in the sun.  How can they not see that their light looks different than ours?

I'm often reminded of a verse from a Pink Floyd song called TIME: "The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older - shorter of breath - and one day closer to death."  Now, that line may be interpreted in a completely different way by every person I know.  THAT is the magic of music.

To get that magic to work the way it was intended to work, however, people need to ask others how THEY feel about the spells cast upon them.  A dialogue must be started.  Minds need to be open to new ideas.  A genuine interest must be present.  Otherwise the music just sits there unobserved, and alone.  The magic within it never has a chance to change a life, or make a friend, or... spend any time in the SUN.  It will only ever be the same in a relative way.  People only become older and shorter of breath, and every day they choose not to ask how the sun feels to others, is one more day they go without understanding how the same sun effects them.

ONENESS

Books are an amazing source of inspiration.  Unfortunately, for a lot of us, reading a book isn’t as easy as it sounds.  It’s the sitting and paying attention for long periods of time that gets us.  That’s why I read three or four books at a time.  This allows me to concentrate on one book for ten minutes or so, then I move on to the next.  It’s a good system.  You should try it.


If you decide to tell people about your illness, a lot of books will get thrown your way.  Some come from curiosity, and others come from people who want to help.  It can be sort of disgusting after a while.  I say this because SO many people try to come up with shit that inspires the uninspired.  A good portion of these "inspirations" come from quotes.  Hallmark-ish kinda stupid, more often than not.  But some of them are actually pretty great:  


“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey"
                                                 -- Kenji Miyazawa.  


“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant”
                                                 -- Robert Louis Stevenson. 


“MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken” 
                                                 -- Lewis Black.  


I suspect that many of these quotes were written specifically for those with short attention spans.  Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I can't finish a book, asshole.  


The best books are those that weren't written with any sort of mental illness in mind.  Just pure energy and excitement.  The kind of book that can lift ANYONE up.  I recently found two books that have helped me quite a lot.  They are both books about finding spirituality through music.  ZEN GUITAR, by Philip Sudo, and THE MUSIC LESSON, by Victor Wooten.  I must insist that you go out and buy them now.  


THE MUSIC LESSON is geared more towards musicians, which is fine, but there are still things that relate to life, and can help in tough situations.  In one section, the main character has a terrible headache. His teacher tries to explain why that headache should be met with gratitude… that it should be BLESSED, as it is an indicator of something that could be much worse.  Find the root cause of the headache, and you can stop the problem before it gets worse.  So it’s like, when we start to feel manic or depressed, or if we feel a panic attack coming on, we should THANK these feelings.  We should BLESS them for showing up.  Why?  Because if we can FEEL it coming, we’ll know how to handle it… we’ll know what to do to prevent it.  That is if we can identify what caused the episode in the first place.  If we can do that, chances are, our “episode” won’t be as long, or as intense as it could have been.  


ZEN GUITAR is really for anybody.  No need to be a musician to get something out of this book.  Almost every page of it is filled with quotable lines, and ways to improve your mind and spirit… ways to look at the world around you, and find your own personal peace.  I’ll share with you one paragraph from the book that I find incredibly moving, and worth thinking about regularly:


                  “When we enter this world from the womb, all sensation is pure sensation.  There are no words in our head.  The voice of our mother, the light of the sun, the smell of the rain - all of it is one great sensation, flowing in a continuous stream.  We see sound, we hear feelings, we taste light, because it is all the same.  The moment we begin distinguishing sight from sound from smell, separating things, naming and categorizing them, we begin the rational process that leads us away from experiencing true oneness.”  


Isn’t that beautiful?  “Oneness” is what we all strive for, isn’t it?  Oneness with God, or Spirit, or some cosmic energy without a form or a name; Oneness with those around us.  Especially those of us who desperately need a strong support system just to get through half the day.  So, if we start to think of EVERYTHING as the SAME thing, perhaps we won’t feel like garbage all the time. It doesn't  have to be right or wrong.  You don’t have to believe it or trust it.  It’s just there to make you think… to get your mind on an even keel.  By reading those words, and giving them serious thought, you may have had a wonderful experience.  Now, it may not have lasted very long, but that’s not the point.  The point is, the moments it took to have that wonderful experience COULD have been terrible moments.  A moment like this shouldn’t be difficult to BLESS at all.  



*originally written on Peeling Back The Layers"*

MUSIC THERAPY

Everyone listens to certain music as their moods change.  If you're particularly sad, you may put on some happy music like... Modest Mouse, or The Black Keys.  Or you may put on something depressing like... Bon Iver, or Elliott Smith.  It is always therapeutic to play the music your heart wants to hear.  In this sense, music therapy is  subconsciously familiar to the entire world.  But it goes  much deeper than that.

Wikipedia has music therapy as being "an allied health profession and one of the expressive therapies, consisting of an interpersonal process in which therapists uses music and all of its facets (phycical, emotional, mental, social, aesthetic, and spiritual) to help" people maintain proper health. Focused mainly on children who need heylp with physical, emotional, cognitive, and social skills, music therapy has seen great success.  It is also used for cancer patients, and those with severe to moderate mood disorders.  

An article from musicasmedicine.com describes it wonderfully by saying, "music therapy in the United States of America began in the late 18th century.  However, using music as a healing medium dates back to ancient times.  This is evident in biblical scriptures and historical writings of ancient civilizations such as Egypt, China, India, Greece and Rome.  Today, the power of music remains the same..."  The article goes on to explain that it is often used in a very different capacity.  

I find this incredibly interesting.  As a musician, and one who understands what that "therapy" may entail, I believe I'll be writing about this subject quite often.  What are your thoughts?

  

FINAL THOUGHT:

Here are a couple songs that help me when I'm a little down.  Happy listening.  And please, suggest some  

music that makes YOU feel better.  I'd love to hear it.

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrMmr1oMPGA

Sun Kil Moon - Alesund

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhxlYkjpj6k

A Fine Frenzy - Happier

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcqqCIAGRpo

The Wombats - Let's Dance To Joy Division

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayuooyWPEUc&ob=av2n

IS A LOSER, IS NOT A LOSER: A BIPOLAR QUANDARY

What makes a loser?  What are the key elements?  Can someone with a high salary job and a gigantic house just as easily be a loser as a person with no job and a tiny house?  Is one deemed a loser on a strictly material basis?  Or are there deeper issues... like being a huge dick?

Perhaps a person only becomes a loser if he feels like one himself... or is it because a bunch of huge dicks keep calling him a loser?  And is the opposite true: Do huge dicks bring about feeling like huge dicks themselves, or do they feel like huge dicks because a bunch of losers keep calling them huge dicks?

There are losers of every type, really.  A friend recently suggested to me that poor musical taste was a key element of loserdom.  "If you like crap like Taylor Swift, you're a loser."  I'd be inclined to agree with him, but I'm sure a lot of Taylor Swift fans would say, "If you like Slayer, you're a loser... and you're going to hell".  Another friend said, "If you are one of those people who dislikes others based solely on gender, ethnicity, race, creed, sexual orientation, etc. you are a loser" (She added that those people "usually have poor musical taste as well").

I find the second comment particularly interesting (although writing about poor musical taste is very tempting, because... FUNNY).  Disliking, or discriminating against someone based on their religion, the color of their skin, or their desire to make out with people of the same gender is, indeed, a very loser-like thing to do.  Any minority has to deal with this type of thinking, and I can't imagine it is easy for any of them.  This lack of understanding comes from an absence of education, and complete disregard for the fact that they've got something to learn in the first place.  Accepting stereotypes is the easy way to go about living your life.  Working as hard as you can to see past them takes time, understanding, and an open mind.  For the person being discriminated against, being lumped into a stereotype is an incredibly hurtful feeling.  This leads to isolation and mounds of negative thinking... i.e. "I'm a loser".

Now, I am not a person of color.  I do not identify myself with any particular class.  I am not a homosexual... and I do not like Taylor Swift.  The stereotyping I am exposed to is a result of the fact that I have a mental illness.  The list of stereotypes involving bipolar disorder, for example, is as long as the Country Music Awards.  A few of the things I hear often are that we are dangerous, we're horrible parents, we're all drug addicts, we're insane and belong in asylums and, worst of all, there really isn't anything wrong with us... that maniacal depression and extreme social anxiety are merely excuses we use to get out of dealing with the things "normal" people deal with every day.  Well... you don't have to be bipolar to be dangerous, or be on drugs, and there are millions of Wal-Mart shoppers who shouldn't have children.  But the stereotype is there. We will always be drug addled, psychotic, lying losers to many people.  Nothing any of us can do about it now.  Nothing except try to explain... to anyone who'll listen.

Hannah Rice Myers wrote a nice article about bipolar stereotypes.  She says stereotypes "are generally formed without knowledge or based on fear of the unknown.  In the case of those with bipolar disorder, these stereotypes, or stigmas, often cause those with this condition to feel ashamed that they fail to seek treatment.  Not only does this fuel the myths, it ruins the lives of those who have a very treatable medical condition"  http://www.livestrong.com/article/82673-bipolar-stereotypes/#ixzz1mbQY5aXX.  There is a lot of truth in this statement.  The failure to seek treatment can certainly make things worse, but being treated like a sub-human even after being treated is extra painful.  The shame is still there because it is VERY difficult to admit you have a mental illness.  Why?  Because before finding out you've got one, all you knew about were the stereotypes associated with such an illness.  This shame leads to personal resentment, which leads to MORE depression and MORE resentment, which leads to MORE shame, which leads to... you get my meaning here, right?  As a result, many sufferers from manic depression live under a cloud that rains "loser" vibes all over them... every day.

Luckily there is a big difference between feeling like a loser and being a loser.  That is difficult to remember when you're used to feeling like one, but knowing you're not is always somewhere in the back of your mind. It's the same thing as feeling like you're a crappy parent:  If you're worried about it, you're not a crappy parent.  Unless you force your children to listen to Taylor Swift.

FINAL THOUGHT:
It makes me unhappy when someone calls something bipolar.  Like, "the weather here is bipolar".  Is that right?  Well,  fuck you!