BIPOLAR to BIPOLAR: Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?

Time moves so slowly some nights. You've got part of what you want, but that part's not quite good enough. Not on evenings like this... when a minute seems like six. And you'd think, with all this extra time, you would wanna savor some of it. You might want to use some of it for fighting the demons that stand in your way... on a day in which you're smiling and enjoying your life. What do you do when five minutes feel fake, and take you by the hair on the back of your neck... twisting your mind in ways that make circles fit squares? How much of this makes sense?

None of it makes sense, you crazy douche! You're having a bad night, man. Don't crawl up in a ball like a turtle afraid of the dark. You're only alone in your mind. Your mind is the one that puts up the walls. Your life... your life is surrounded with people you love. And some of them might even love you back... if you can stop being a dip shit for long enough. Damn!

Stop being so REASONABLE, man!  I'm trying to be poetic.  When I'm feeling like a sad clown, I must articulate my feelings in an artistic way.  I must be profound.  Otherwise people might not take my discomforts seriously.  I am an advocate... nay! A SPOKESMAN for the people inside of my circle!  I cannot let them down by being... "reasonable".  I need to take a chance... touch a nerve.  If I don't pack what I write with as much depressing evil shit as I can... they might not think I'm on their side.  And that's important because it's all about THEM. If I'm not careful, I'll be more of a self-help writer than a fellow mentally ill person.  

Well, what's wrong with that?  It's not about them, it's about YOU.  Why not be your own favorite self-help author?  Nobody else matters but you.  If you don't think YOU are important, how can you expect anyone else to feel you're important?  Write your OWN way to feeling better.

Yeah! To hell with Wayne Dyer!  To hell with Neale Donald Walsch!  The Dali Lama?  What does HE know?  

Well, now you're just being manic.  Slow down.  I didn't say you shouldn't READ.  I didn't say you should stop trying to EDUCATE yourself.  Again... how can you educate others if you're not educated enough to teach them anything? 

Okay.  Okay.  You're right.  That makes sense.  So... 

I'm right.  That's it.  "So" nothing.  Read. Learn. Write. Educate.  YA GOT THAT?!

Wow, dude!  Yeah... you had me at "crazy douche".  No need to yell.  I'm fragile... and poetic.

Ugh!  I'm never allowed to have the last word.

NIGHT TERROR

It's very late. Some might even call it early. 2:47 a.m. I've always said I loved the night, but this... this is the morning. I keep telling myself and everyone around me that I want to get better; that I'm moving forward, and getting ready to set things right. But how can that really be true when I allow myself to stay up all night? I'm not functioning like the rest of the world... how can I expect to be a part of it? I think I might need some help here.

MENTAL ILLNESS AND PINK FLOYD: THE UNKNOWN MEDICATION

It is rare to be asked what depression feels like... or how it feels to be uncontrollably manic.  Phrases like "snap out of it", "why are you acting so crazy", and "Maybe this pill will help", come to mean very different things.  It is rare to get asked how it feels to be overwhelmed by anxiety for weeks at a time, or what goes through  a mind when a panic attack hits me while driving 75 on the highway.  People say, "just relax, take a deep breath", or to "go with the flow".  But does anyone really want to know how it feels for a person to be obsessed with keeping their hands clean, or how terrifying it is to meet new people or to be in a room full of strangers?  I think a lot of work can be done to improve these stigmas.  However...

Many times it does not seem like people want to understand.  They demand, we disappoint.  They roll their eyes, we isolate.  And while it may be true to a certain degree that people's hearts are in the right place (and some are, don't get me wrong), how can a person help without also having the desire to learn?  It's rare to see books in their hands, or magazines opened to pages concerning social anxiety or - insert condescending label here - . Some are told many times to read said articles or books them self, but that desire to learn doesn't seem to extend to many people without mental concerns of their own (as if anybody is prone to being fucking crazy).  Most people are in the dark, but since they're not the one's who spend most of their time alone in a room, someone else is expected to spend more time in the sun.  How can they not see that their light looks different than ours?

I'm often reminded of a verse from a Pink Floyd song called TIME: "The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older - shorter of breath - and one day closer to death."  Now, that line may be interpreted in a completely different way by every person I know.  THAT is the magic of music.

To get that magic to work the way it was intended to work, however, people need to ask others how THEY feel about the spells cast upon them.  A dialogue must be started.  Minds need to be open to new ideas.  A genuine interest must be present.  Otherwise the music just sits there unobserved, and alone.  The magic within it never has a chance to change a life, or make a friend, or... spend any time in the SUN.  It will only ever be the same in a relative way.  People only become older and shorter of breath, and every day they choose not to ask how the sun feels to others, is one more day they go without understanding how the same sun effects them.